THAT DARNED CAT

It was 6 a.m. Still dark in the bedroom on the morning of October 15, 1998 as we slept. My sister and her husband were asleep in the other bedroom. They were visiting us for a week from New York. Because of this, we kept our cat in the bedroom with us so that he wouldn't disturb anyone. Prior to the company visit, I removed the turtle egg incubators from the guest bathroom and placed them by my side of the bed. I also took this opportunity to take out the 10 eggs that were not fertile before they exploded. I placed the rotten eggs in a tray on the desk in front of the window. I heard the cat jump onto the window sill. What goes up must come down. The cat jumped off of the window and landed in the dish of rotten eggs and things went flying as he slid off of the desk. When the stuff hit the floor my husband said, “What was that?.” I replied, “You'll find out in a second”......and before the words were out of my mouth, the odor of 100 dead bodies filled the room. Think of the worst thing you have ever smelled in your life and then multiply it by 1,000 and you'll have some idea of the stink - not to mention the horrible mess I had to clean up - still in my nightgown with one hand covering my nose and mouth. Needless to say, Bill got up very early that morning and it took several hours before the room was rid of that stench.....and no eggs were on the menu for several days after that.

The Final Humiliation

"America's Funniest Home Videos" should have been in my back yard on the morning of September 8th. I had turned the sprinklers on and after awhile noticed a nice bag of snails my neighbor had kindly collected for the turtles, hanging in its usual place on the back fence in the turtle enclosure right next to my prized 5 foot tall very spiny cactus.

I gingerly stepped into the enclosure not aware of two mistakes I was about to make. #1: The ground was soaking wet. #2: I was wearing my ill-fitting rubber thongs.

As I reached for the bag of snails, one of the turtles nipped at my toes and I jumped. The next thing I knew I was falling. Who me? Yes, FALLING, FALLING. My life was flashing before my eyes. How? Why? Why me?! NO NO NO - BANG - I hit the ground and to my horror the 5 foot cactus was heading towards my face! Instinctively my hand came up and the cactus then hit my hand and arm causing my hand to slam into my nose............silence............So here I lay. It had to happen sooner or later. Lying on my back in the pen in the dirt with the turtles and tortoises. I surveyed the damage. Left arm badly bruised, bleeding slightly and swelling swiftly because of the rock it had hit. Left shin, same damage. Nose bruised and painful. Right forearm and hand full of a thousand points of cactus!

Nobody saw me, thank goodness. I shakily got up and saw the final humiliation. The half of a delicious ripe honeydew melon I had served to the tortoises was now stuck to my butt!!

I crept into the house. If my husband ever saw this he would surely tell me to get rid of the turtles. I calmly washed my wounds and applied ice to the swelling arm and walked around the house with a nice smile on my face and a towel draped casually over the arm as if I were drying the dishes. "He'll never find out," I mused, hiding my bruises and trying not to limp.

Later on that day we had to go to the hardware store. Naturally I hid that arm as best I could but I could not go out with the towel on it. We finished our shopping and were checking out. I thought I had gotten away with it. My husband did not notice. And then it happened. The owner of the store said very loudly, "Hey Felice, what happened to your arm? Did one of those turtles jump up and bite it?"

Almost a Disaster

The Bunker is what I call my back yard full of turtles and tortoises. I allow visitors including children to come to the yard to view the environment and learn about turtle and tortoise care. As usual the WORST things happen when innocent little children are present. Once, a dead turtle was spotted floating in the water and another time they were treated to the sight of a dead rat, on its back, legs sticking straight up. The cat must have brought it by during the night. This latest event, however, topped them all and could have had chilling consequences.

A group of 17 kindergarteners and about 7 parents and a teacher came to The Bunker on their field trip. The children were seated in a circle on the lawn and I was talking to them when suddenly one of the parents asked me if it was normal for one turtle to be eating the other one!! Everyone jumped up and what we saw was awful. A small box turtle was bobbing around in the water and I imagine that he went into the pool in order to clean his private parts. Another box turtle, one of the large Gulf Coast varieties, obviously mistook the private part for a WORM and decided to clamp his jaws on it and would not let go. Without a moment's hesitation, I scooped the two of them up in the palms of my hands and ran off to the side of the house, away from the children. Luckily, the Gulf Coast let go immediately and the smaller turtle withdrew his "worm" back inside, uninjured, thank goodness. I honestly do not know what I would have done if he hadn't let go.

Upon returning to the group, I thanked the person who spoke up about the trauma taking place. One thing is clear. Murphy's Law Plus One exists at The Bunker: Whatever can happen, will happen, but only when pre-schoolers or kindergarteners are here!!